more and more, i don't think i can go back to doing 100% church related ministry. i've been placed at this job to see the enormous mission field of the innercity high school. i cannot imagine not interacting with non-christians ever again. it wouldn't feel right. it just would not feel right. i could not go back to living the life i lived in college where life was 24/7 smallgroup, accountability and church. i don't have a vision though. i have this heart, but i am not seeing a bigger picture. i cannot see it right now. like, i cannot submit to the dream of counseling students alone or working in a public school. i want to hold onto a bigger dream of sharing the gospel message somehow and sharing the word.

i see all the pieces of the puzzle. it's a mystery. there's the piece of counseling. the piece of americorp. the piece of friendships built... etc... pieces of my past experiences. how do all these pieces fit together? i want to see how these pieces fit together to build the bigger picture. i know it'll bea while for this puzzle to be completed, but i feel that i have a few pieces that are meant to help me along to the next stage. this IS my last year of americorp, so it's normal that i'm looking for the next puzzle piece. i'm beginning to panic a little.

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life is a ball that rolls up and down streets collecting junk. it is a lint roller. i am rolling and rolling. roll me back Lord to you. if i could, i would curl myself into a corner and shut myself in utter darkness. in the pitch black, i would bare my soul to you Jesus and ask you to take all of me. in that secret place, i would ask you to do the surgery and i would let your hands soak into my heart.

i prayed for my husband today. my prayer was that he would love you more and that he would not be hardened by the world. but rather, that grace, love, beauty and truth would continually be worked into his heart... and that he would become as a child. i prayed that all his questions about the future would be quieted with your guiding spirit. jesus, wherever he is, whatever he is doing and whoever he might be... grow him, take all of him now and forever may his heart be captured by you. that certain promises and truths would be solidified in his heart. that whatever doubts and uncertainties he may have concerning life, his past and You would slowly transform into revelation, truth and rest in You. i have yet to meet him and when i do, be the center.

swirling in my mind:
school counseling. at-risk students. case-loads. guidance. college counseling. future. low-income students. immigrants. opportunities. missed opportunities.

where to in 2007 Lord?

all I want for christmas is You.

everytime there is a video project, my tendency is to drop people and responsibilities and devote 100% to that project. in my mind, every ounce matters. tonight, i thought differently. as i walked back home at the late hour of 1AM, i felt my footsteps get heavy and thought of my grandmother who i didn't see all day. i thought about how i didn't really tell her i wasn't come home early and imagined her waiting for me. was i just like that business man who'd pick up and leave for weeks? was i like that pastor who devoted more time to others than his own family? i thought ab out people who passed away in the midst of their busy lives. they didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to their loved ones. they thought they'd get a chance to do it after their important duties were accomplished. what is so important to me? where are my priorities? if i stay on this path any longer, i will become a more self-absorbed self centered egotistical person. i don't want that anymore. i don't want to waste my life.