At least a B+

Last semester, I faced the impossible with an abstract math course and experienced crazy vacillations of fear and faith. I expected a C- and contemplated withdrawing late in the term. I felt stupid for not understanding the coursework. To make things worse, it was taught by a genius 24 year old. In all my years of school, I never felt so dumb before! I wanted to withdraw. However, I felt God urging me to carry on and had this crazy vision that if I kept going with Him, I could get at least a B+. This is what I wrote in my journal a week before finals:

December 10, 2012

Sleep or no sleep if you're there, I'm there. 

You are here straining with me. Grace along the way. 

At least a B plus

This entry was written in the passing wind of great hope in God. When I wrote "At least a B plus", I did not feel capable of achieving it. It was an impossible hope that bubbled up in my heart as I wrote it! Even after writing this entry and having hope, I went back to my fearful self-talks and contemplated withdrawing up until the last possible day. Despite my doubts and tug of war, I decided that even if I achieved a "C-", it was worth more to obey and surrender my anxieties to him. 

I completed the course, took the Final exam and waited for the grade. A few days later, Prof emails us and says grades are posted. My earned grade is a B+. I'm reminded of the crazy vision of getting "...at least a B+". God was right! I just needed to trust Him. Still questioned the "at least" part. I got the B+, but wondered if there was more to the "...at least" part. 

Weeks later, I check my transcript and see an A-. The Prof ended up bumping my grade to an A-. The words "at least a B+" made sense. I'm amazed by the accuracy of the hope God placed in my heart. Amused by the way it unfolded because I first got the B+ and then weeks later, it turned into an A-. All I did was trust Him while remaining human in my anxieties. Key: I remained myself and God did not condemn me for feeling all the twisty, negative fears that made me want to give up and give in to cheap substitutes of escape. He provided me with the faith needed to carry through. And he gave me a great vision that unfolded in 2 steps in the span of about a month. It's like, joy and then greater joy unfolding and unfolding...   If I did NOT trust God, I would've gotten a W - that's what was on the other side of the fear coin. 

His heart wasn't that I'd get a B+ or an A-. It was to know that He is God in the midst of great unknowns, fears and hesitations. It's to plunge into the great unknown and say "You are God - I am not and I completely trust You" I still felt enormous amounts of anxiety and stupidity for not knowing the math but God gave me the courage to close all the doors to cheap alternatives. 

Attempting and facing the IMPOSSIBLE is an opportunity to experience the PURE joy of God's providence. It is undeniable manifest presence of God. 

Fear itself was a servant of God to lead me to Himself. When facing the impossible and experiencing twisty inner emotions of fear, God is on the other side wooing me to take steps towards the unknown.

It's funny because I got another A- in another math course, but it was whatever to me! I realized it's worth more to attempt the impossible with God. To experience the pure joy of God is worth everything.