Spring

This past year, I found myself in a dark cave without an entrance or exit. I didn't know how I wound up there and couldn't find a way out. In that place, every strand of faith and belief I had in Christ was thoroughly challenged and tested. Past experiences, past victories became quick-sand in which I could not stand. Areas in which I never thought I'd compromise, I did. Thoughts I never knew would pass through my mind came and multiplied.

Light is beginning to shine. Small rays of hope are dawning on me. The dead of winter is slowly passing and Spring is making its transition into my heart.

Something happenned to me this year. I went through a major crisis in almost every part of my life. My family life was the only steady part. Every other area was shaken up and brought me to a place of confusion.

Two different worlds

May 21st, 7PM

Me: "Sighhh.. what a long day"
Student: "Psshhh... whatever miss. You get in at 12PM"

Me: "No, not today. I came in earlier this morning!! I was here since 9:30AM"
Student: "Well, I woke up at 5:30AM. Been at work since 7 in the morning. You've been sitting at a computer all day!"

Me: "Okay, well I had to do a lot of thinkin' and brainwork today"
Student: "Well, I had to carry lots of heavy boxes and heavy liftin'. I'm tired as heck man."

Me: ....
Student: Looks at me like I didn't understand what he went through.

Two different worlds. Two different types of difficulty and work. I feel ya kid.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day began with mom and dad quarreling. I was lying in bed when I heard them arguing. Although I couldn't hear their exact words, I felt the influxes of anger and heat in the intonation of their voices. It ended with a slamming of the door as my dad left the house and walked to his car. The engine started and soon after, he drove away. They were supposed to go to church together, but mom decided not to go. Grandma remained in her usual spot on the couch, eyes glazed in silence. My brother's bedroom door was shut, almost acting as a shield for him. I did what I always do: begin praying, ask my grandmother what had transpired, try to make sense of what's happening and plan for the worst.

Yesterday, mom requested that I buy her a plant instead of the usual bouquet of flowers my bro and I give her. I picked out a plant that had flower buds, but no flowers.

Mom and Dad are just like flower buds that are waiting to bloom. They need love. There are not many flowers on display right now.

I know that with God's love and His timing, they will bloom and put the unbelievers to shame.

untitled

Discovered an ipod car connector in my car (formerly my aunts car) the other day. I can now listen to my own music! It's a pretty solid one too; there are barely any poor reception static noises.

Took a day off to do some reflecting and seeking. I found myself driving up the block I grew up on. It took me through memory lane; it also reminded me of how much time has passed. Heavy thoughts, mixed emotions, ancient memories came seeping out. I thought I'd experience a rush of nostalgia, but it was a mere tap on the heart.

Visited the lake by my old house.Witnessed: shining sun, family of geese swimming in the lake, children laughing and tossing bread crumbs to them, father and daughter on the bench gazing at the lake, mother and son walking along, and myself sitting on a rock reading from Psalms.

Went to Starbucks afterwards. Read through Blackaby's Spiritual Leadership. First thing I read was about leaders having experienced dysfunctional family histories. It was ironic bc I had just come from my old home and was reminded of a lot of issues I still need to deal with. Time and time again, I'm always led back to the cross and my own relationship with the Lord.

I feel the Lord walking me through a season of growth. Help me to learn my lessons well, Lord!

twenty-four going on twenty-five

I was looking at my old xanga entries and came across this entry I wrote when I was 25. This is a little bit of what being 25 looked like for me.

being 25
t - treasuring each passing moment (with students, rwc, family, etc)
w - weighing out different options (future, career, husband, etc)
e - entreating God's heart
n - needing to make baby-step decisions
t - testing of character and faith
y - yielding to God's timetable

f - fighting passivity
i - indecisions about everything (future, career, husband, etc)
v - vying for His glory as much as I can
e - ending "me" so there can be more Him (i'm trying)


I backtracked my entries and found this entry I wrote when I was 24. I think this is when I was fresh out of Ann Arbor. You can tell I was pretty bright-eyed at the time.

being 24
t - teetering, tottering
w - waiting, wondering
e - expectations growing (at times diminishing)
n - new beginnings unfolding
t - trusting in God's timing
y - yearning for clarity

f - feet getting wet
o - opening new doors
u - unfamiliar paths, unexplored grounds
r - remembering that God knows the way.

Somewhere in my transition to young adulthood in NYC, things changed.

The simple-minded heart I once had as a 24 year old transformed into a calculating heart. Uncertainties have become questions that incite anxiety and bring about an increasing need to control my own future.

Being a young adult in the city is hard, but I feel God calling me to remember the safety and simplicity of dwelling in His presence. I feel a rebuke coming on. Since when did I have bear a right to my life? What and by whom is my life dictated by?

Lord, teach me to live for you alone.

"...He said to them, “Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.” They immediately left their nets and followed Him."

Documentary

I ask myself from time to time, why I don't document my own life. Will I regret it one day? Reminds me of my mother.. she once owned a party shop filled with party paraphernalia, but never threw me a party. I look at my parents and my grandmother. They are getting older each day. Will I remember the fine details of their laughter, their hands, their voice years from now?