OIL

OIL was such a blessing.
I felt encouraged, affirmed and refreshed.
many lessons from the past were reaffirmed.
One thing I felt called to repent over was the way I treated family.
All my life I thought I was a good sister, but I wasn't. I don't know how to be committed, loyal, consistent or loving. I suck at it.
The song "pleasing to you" really spoke to me.
This is the year of "white" and it's a year that I want to set apart for Christ -- to be holy, pure, setapart and in Christ. The song "pleasing to you" speaks to all these things.

I feel broken and contrite over how I treated family. I felt God really calling me to repent over these relationships. As I'm thinking about this, I can think back to relationships from church that i have neglected, taken for granted and left -- because I didn't want to get hurt, because I was afraid...etc.

(to be continued)

Hello 2008

Hello 2008.
wonderful even numbered year.
-the Word is as honey on my lips. It can be chewed and savored a million times over. You can listen to the same sermon over and over again and still not know enough. God is infinite...I can never know him enough
-I am your chosen one. You are disciplining me.. I want to submit to you and know you as my master.
-Transformation cannot be calculated. Things just happen. I cannot predict anymore.
-All my efforts are in vain. My perfectionism vs. God's perfectionism.
-Are alll my words seasoned with salt? A product of the thoroughness of Christ in my heart? I am learning to be led in the Spirit.
-If you are led by the Spirit, you are led into battle against sin.
-I am responsible for chewing and partaking the Word
-I must remain in you.
-I'm learning to filter through what I've learned and seen about church/God. I am relearning everything, being born again in my thoughts.
-Old skin vs. new skin. God wants me to have a new heart.
-It's not about learning many new lessons, but about learning 1 lesson really well. I'm so used to gathering new thoughts and lessons each week that I forget to savor Christ. I can get so caught up in gathering information.
-I've been humbled. I can no longer assume things about people.
-I'm learning to see people positively. I realized I have such a bitter perception of people. I do not know how to love people.
-Without love, I am a clanging cymbal
-Learning to not be condescending in my speech. As Christ is in my life, He is transforming my speech and my heart.
-Grandma? My perception of her is changing. I've grown bitter, but it is a good kind of bitterness. I must feel it before moving forward.
-Christ is alive in my life. Even yet while I was a sinner, Jesus died for me.

truth.

my new hero: soong-chan rah

i feel like he's spoken for a lot of what i've been mulling through in my mind about the church, asian-american churches, westernization...etc.

praise God.

my thoughts are everywhere.

read "the marks of a spiritual leader" by john piper. i feel that i'm growing, but i feel i can commit myself to the spiritual disciplines better.

i am letting go of my analysis of the future. it seems to make little sense especially when there is a great God in my life. i can do everything possible to figure things out. in hindsight, i have never been able to figure things out on my own. i'm content with whatever God gives. His plans always end up being a lot better than I could ever have imagined.

i can't believe 2007 is coming to a draw. did i grow as an artist? did i grow in my love for Jesus? was this the year of "red"? when i saw red paint being washed over the walls of the church, was that also a picture of my own heart? Christ's very blood the answer to each fall, each dark moment?

yesterday was 3 year anniversary "marriage". i forgot to celebrate it.

inner sanctuary

a small room lit by a hanging lightbulb.
two chairs - one table.
you sat across from me.
the shadows filled the edges of the room.

inner sanctuary.

secret dwelling place.

a fence is being rebuilt.

heavy

heavy raindrops are falling
muddy footsteps tread through this heart
can't pinpoint emotions
swirling around
emptiness
loss
confusion
tin cups of ice
red scarlet scarves draped over my shoulder
lips scarlet red
eyes hidden behind mascara
my heart is being towed away
my freedom is gone.

my heart is running late.