9/9/2013 entry

Hello! It’s 2021 and here I am, wiping off the dust from this old blog. I may start writing again in this blog or elsewhere. Stay tuned :) 

When I logged into the blog, I found an entry about being single that was unpublished. Here it is, unedited from nearly 8 years ago: 

Date: 9/9/2013

I am single and hey, I won’t lie - I do wonder about my prospects of dating.

As I wonder about the person God hasn’t placed in my life yet, I think about the people He has placed. You know those people that are literally in my face almost every single day: family members, old friends, acquaintances, classmates, etc. 

With the more prominent people in my life, humbling lessons of gospel love knock at the door of my heart. Who knew this door was so hard to knock down? 

Don't get me wrong - I have my moments of loving when it's really difficult to love.  But it’s getting over that one hurdle of love and then having to go through more and more hurdles; each time it’s a sobering awareness of a cranky heart that wants little to do with the gospel when I feel wronged, hurt, sinned against, etc. [It's true, as my pastor says, we need to forgive and extend grace multiple times a day]

Whittled, shaped and carved in ways that could only occur in human relationships, the exposure to deepening cycles of love is life threatening. In more difficult times, I learn that I absolutely cannot love. I discover my own limits and see wrinkly dark areas that know nothing about gospel love. 

But these are my life changing moments, occurring right now in this awkward season of singlehood. I discover the gospel in deepening ways never known before. It's learning to love like I've never loved before. God confronts me with my inability to love in the most mundane of relationships so that He can change my life. 

I feel God asking me to pay attention to these lessons of love. Single or not, I feel called to love well. 

I momentarily think about that person who isn't in my life, but am unable to ignore the increasing pressure upon my heart that draws me to the gospel. What better invitation exists? For this is what's eternal... 

What are my current love lessons?

It’s learning to love a friend behind her back. When people ask about her when she’s not there - what do I say? What is the impulsive response of my heart? Does it respond in love or gossip? What is the quality of my speech? 

It’s learning to love a friend despite her shortcomings. Do I still love in a selfless way even when she is hard to love? 

And through these people I have life changing moments — Jesus assigned moments to be whittled, shaped, contoured to have the heart that's been redeemed. To have the heart, body and spirit that is set apart renewed sanctified in love to bear witness of Christ love in me. These moments are crescendoing each day.

Unloving moments echoing back to me challenging me to hearken His word, challenging me to see His response when he was mocked and scourged.

journal entry from 4.19.13

It's a paradox. God invites me to die, to go down deeper into the abyss of pain so that I might know Him. In contrast, Satan invites me to come up higher and gives me little frills of temporary fill. But it's fake. It's like that baby chick being pumped alive with food only to be slaughtered in the end.

Go deeper into my pain. Feel the pain in all its glory and in that very place of pain, experience the deepest grace and love. It's asking God to love you in the messiest way. It's allowing the sinner in you unravel itself before God – to be unmasked, unhidden and naked. That encounter must happen over and over again in the deep pit of my being. It's that place where my pain erupts in living color. It's where I encounter the Suffering servant and His cross.

Each time I'm lulled into the world is an inch away from my existing pit of despair. But paradoxically that's where I'm asked to remain. 

Wounds are healed in His wounds. When I’m not honest with myself, I’m covering up my wounds and heartache with temporal mechanisms of comfort. 

It’s a paradox.

My own pain and darkness is the way to God. 

At least a B+

Last semester, I faced the impossible with an abstract math course and experienced crazy vacillations of fear and faith. I expected a C- and contemplated withdrawing late in the term. I felt stupid for not understanding the coursework. To make things worse, it was taught by a genius 24 year old. In all my years of school, I never felt so dumb before! I wanted to withdraw. However, I felt God urging me to carry on and had this crazy vision that if I kept going with Him, I could get at least a B+. This is what I wrote in my journal a week before finals:

December 10, 2012

Sleep or no sleep if you're there, I'm there. 

You are here straining with me. Grace along the way. 

At least a B plus

This entry was written in the passing wind of great hope in God. When I wrote "At least a B plus", I did not feel capable of achieving it. It was an impossible hope that bubbled up in my heart as I wrote it! Even after writing this entry and having hope, I went back to my fearful self-talks and contemplated withdrawing up until the last possible day. Despite my doubts and tug of war, I decided that even if I achieved a "C-", it was worth more to obey and surrender my anxieties to him. 

I completed the course, took the Final exam and waited for the grade. A few days later, Prof emails us and says grades are posted. My earned grade is a B+. I'm reminded of the crazy vision of getting "...at least a B+". God was right! I just needed to trust Him. Still questioned the "at least" part. I got the B+, but wondered if there was more to the "...at least" part. 

Weeks later, I check my transcript and see an A-. The Prof ended up bumping my grade to an A-. The words "at least a B+" made sense. I'm amazed by the accuracy of the hope God placed in my heart. Amused by the way it unfolded because I first got the B+ and then weeks later, it turned into an A-. All I did was trust Him while remaining human in my anxieties. Key: I remained myself and God did not condemn me for feeling all the twisty, negative fears that made me want to give up and give in to cheap substitutes of escape. He provided me with the faith needed to carry through. And he gave me a great vision that unfolded in 2 steps in the span of about a month. It's like, joy and then greater joy unfolding and unfolding...   If I did NOT trust God, I would've gotten a W - that's what was on the other side of the fear coin. 

His heart wasn't that I'd get a B+ or an A-. It was to know that He is God in the midst of great unknowns, fears and hesitations. It's to plunge into the great unknown and say "You are God - I am not and I completely trust You" I still felt enormous amounts of anxiety and stupidity for not knowing the math but God gave me the courage to close all the doors to cheap alternatives. 

Attempting and facing the IMPOSSIBLE is an opportunity to experience the PURE joy of God's providence. It is undeniable manifest presence of God. 

Fear itself was a servant of God to lead me to Himself. When facing the impossible and experiencing twisty inner emotions of fear, God is on the other side wooing me to take steps towards the unknown.

It's funny because I got another A- in another math course, but it was whatever to me! I realized it's worth more to attempt the impossible with God. To experience the pure joy of God is worth everything.

the daily fight

The great temptation: to judge and not forgive

The great command: to love and serve.

Read an article by Justin Holcomb on the Resurgence blog about Rodin's two sculptures, "The Hand of the Devil" and "The Hand of God". It's a picture of spiritual warfare.

I looked up each sculpture and saw more profoundly what the article was talking about. Here are brief snippets from the article and clearer pictures of the sculptures.

Hand of the Devil

 "...Just as the female figure begins to take shape and arise out of the swirling mass, the hand pushes it back into nothingness...The devil loves to try to confuse us and keep us trapped in chaos." 
  Image:"Hand of the devil" by Rodin (image source)

Hand of God

"The second hand, a right hand, is rough, strong, and active-looking. Rodin designed a powerful-looking hand that holds an intertwined man and woman, carrying them upward into life from the chaos of the unformed clay...

Rather than being alone, the figures in the hand of God are together with each other. Instead of being lost, the figures are cradled, suggesting that they have been found. And rather than being driven away into chaos, the figures are being lifted out of chaos. Beneath both hands there is a swirling mass of clay, which symbolizes chaos. The hand of God seems intent on bringing meaning out of randomness, purpose out of chaos."



Image: "The Hand of God" by Rodin (img src)


I'm convinced of battles in the spiritual realm, but even more compelled to thank my God who secures me in these days of trial and tribulation. The Battle has already been won.

weaned child

After an evening of fretfulness and heaviness, the burdensome cloud has cleared.

Safe, sound and quieted I am in His arms..

Freedom. Weightlessness. Undeserved grace.

Thank you Lord. 

The wrestling and not giving into my own carnal counsel was worth it. So many opportunities and half-truths to have clung onto but my God is faithful.

He
... clears the way
... levels my path
... plucks out the lies of the enemy
... casts out my fears
... and graces my feet to walk in His way

Each step ordered by you is grace.

It was the last scene in my dream. It was a brief moment, but striking one.

A man was perched on a huge rock by a lake/ocean with an instrument. He was playing music with his wife next to him. His instrument didn't look like one, but sounded like a violin. The notes were extravagantly joyous and high.

I cognitively knew that they were in Korea. Missionaries I think they were.

But they were just playing music. It wasn't even recognizable worship music - it was the pure sound of a violin at its melodious height of glory.

I don't know why they were in Korea or why they were in that forest area, but this is an image I'll carry as I think of "missionaries" - men and women who are like trees planted by waters, joyously making music in the deepest ends of the earth. Even though there are few who can initially decipher their songs, men and women whose faithful lives are seen, heard and used by God.

Thankful for a God who is faithful - I have a feeling there are greater stories yet to come.

perfect me

Lately, being pressed about giving up my own standards and rights. It's wonderfully freeing because at the same time, God is revealing himself to me as a plentiful, abundant giver - as one who has perfect oversight and insight into my life. It's like he's saying, "You can trust me completely... let go of your standards and rights.."

Being a perfectionist is revealing itself in the ways I hurt and criticize people. My standards on how things should be, how people ought to behave have ended up being hurtful and dismissive. I'm prone to dismissing people if they violate a standard or principle that I strongly believe in. This isn't the gospel operating in me at all.

"Jesus, the most asymmetrical human life, was never angry when he was violated and abused. He always loved first and loved more, and he always will." (desiringgod article)

Saddened to see the self-serving vein of my perfectionist heart, but at the same time, hopeful that by God's grace, I will become more like Christ each day.

perfected in faith

I read back to my old xanga site and found an entry I had written that's still relevant to me today. (see below) Over the years, I've found that lessons about faith don't change by much. My God's voice and character remain the same. They are repeated lessons about the same things.

To my chagrin, I was a lot more malleable and believing 5 years ago. The quality of my waiting was better. I was quick to trust in my God and leave all matters into His hands. Now, I'm more prone to being impatient and looking away to what I want. This is the walk of faith though - sometimes you walk backwards before moving forward again. By God's grace, he gently turns my chin back towards him. And even in my weakness, somehow I am strengthened to have the quality of faith that is pleasing in His eyes.

Even though this season of waiting stinks, I'm discovering golden moments that chip away at my unbelief and expose faulty beliefs about God. It's painful and hurtful to be this exposed, but it's probably the most loving thing my Lord can be doing in my heart.

Although she'd be a bit horrified that I'm still waiting on the same things as a 31 year old, my 26 year old self would still say with confidence:

"More and more, I realize how I NEED to go through these times of processing and waiting. My character needs work, certain things need fine-tuning and etc. There's a reason and timing for everything and it's all out of love. God is good."

Agreed wholeheartedly. Each day of this season of waiting is a new lesson that I wouldn't trade for anything else.

My God is good.

11/5/2007



I remember during freshman year in college my pastor told us there was a reason why certain things weren't revealed and how timing is everything. He made us visualize a roll of toilet paper. In order to get to the core, you first have to pass through all the sheets. There's also an element of adventure and processing as well... for instance, if the core (that one thing) was given to you and revealed to you right now, you might not be ready to receive it.

More and more, I realize how I NEED to go through these times of processing and waiting. My character needs work, certain things need fine-tuning and etc. There's a reason and timing for everything and it's all out of love. God is good.

love letter to a fellow sinner

It's easy to love someone when things are going smoothly, but what about when things get hard? A few months ago, I wrote a letter to my future husband. Reading it over again, I saw that half the letter was applicable to any fellow Christian. 

After having an argument with my mom, it was powerful to read the letter in relation to her. I won't share the entire letter, but here are a few tidbits that I found applicable to anyone. 

I embrace you as a being built for wholeness and completeness in Christ alone. It is my joy to be a link and conduit in your life towards this prize.

I commit to loving you with my speech and choosing daily to serve you in nurturing conversation.

I commit to contending with you in the faith. I commit to being a learner and follower. I also commit to being as iron that sharpens iron and contributing to your growth as a better person.

I am not perfect and never will be, but what I can offer at the very least is my brokenness as a person and commitment to obey Christ in our relationship. In rain or shine, I shall love and honor you as a daily choice and act of submission to Christ. 

Be a witness to my growth in Christ and I shall be witness of yours. 

Realizing these days - to truly love someone is probably the hardest thing I will ever learn in this lifetime. But one day, I will see Jesus face to face and that gives me hope. 

love letter to a friend

For days, I felt compelled to write a "love letter to the poor". The outcome of the letter is completely different than what I imagined. It became a letter to a student I met a few years ago. Our times outside of the program were the most significant times. Meals were sacred moments. God reminded me that this is good ministry - it's within those sacred moments where our differences fade and commonalities are shared. It's easy to get bunched up about "helping the poor" with superficial, religious notions.  I can't say that I'm completely past those notions, but reminded today that investment in a person is for a lifetime and God is calling me to "feed" His sheep. I intend on striving towards that goal. What started out as a "love letter to the poor" has become a letter to a friend - for as God's love turns an enemy into a brother, it turns "the poor" into a friend. 


We laughed at the same things and enjoyed meals together. We shared the same stories about our moms with their loving but overbearing personalities. 

You revealed to me your secrets and I, a few of mine. We became like best friends during the countless car rides and conversations at Pollo Loco. Chicken baked ziti with lots of cheese and a can of coke were among your favorite meals. You introduced me to the icy pina colada in your hood. 

I'd drop you off at your rinky-dink apartment in Brooklyn and I'd head east towards the L.I.E. where the roads got smoother and wider.

It's normally around 11pm when I arrive home. The porch lights are usually on as I drive into my long driveway. This is perhaps the only time that I remember our stark differences in wealth. 

If only you knew I lived in a home such as this one. Guilt hits almost every time. Would you look at me differently? Would you categorize me with the rich and stop being yourself with me?

Lights off within 30 minutes, I'd say a prayer for you as I lay in bed before falling asleep. 

You tried committing suicide and sent me a text message about it. You're alive today but not many people know your story. I do.

We spent so much time trying to find you a job. Countless hours were spent studying for the GED. Those goals were never met. But still, you said I had helped you so much somehow. You said if you ever became rich one day, you'd buy me a house. 

One day, we will both grow old and there will be no more distinction between you and I. When people ask how we met, we'll just say we go way back - and with a knowing glance - we'll know it's past your days as a single mother living without welfare, suffering through domestic violence and wondering if things would ever change. All of these things will become a thing of the past. 

Until those things come to pass, we will remain friends.

I will see you to the end.  

a worthy frame of mind

Everything that is for the sake of God should be of the best and most beautiful. When one builds a house of prayer, it should be more beautiful than his own dwelling. When one feeds the hungry, he should feed him of the best and sweetest of his table. When one clothes the naked, he should clothe him with the finest of his clothes. Whenever one designates something for a holy purpose, he should sanctify the finest of his possessions, as it is written (Leviticus 3:16), "All the fat is to God."
- Maimonides

Benjamin Button

Life moves in a direction of perpetual loss; burning away dross, dying to the world and growing incrementally old into a weaned child. 

My heart is not proud, O LORD, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me. Psalm 131:1-2

Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Matt 18:3

the kingdom of heaven is here

babe, you actin' like the resurrection didn't happen.

chin up, my love!  these are new covenant times.

the gospel always wins

Umma and abba are constantly fighting but striving to love, forgive and reconcile as Jesus commands. 

Is this what marriage ultimately teaches - gospel love? Learning to forgive and love a best friend who often plays the dual role of enemy? After all, the person you love most has the ability to hurt you the most. It's within this context that hearts are put through what feels like a furnace.

Perhaps we are all given chunky metal box shaped hearts when we begin. Marriage puts that metal through a furnace and slowly shapes it. The fire reveals what hearts and professed "love" are really made of. When things get bad and the fire pummels the metal heart, its true nature is revealed - often, a rigid and unyielding nature. 

Through the ups and downs of marriage, somehow, Christ is at work and chipping at this metal heart. You start with this rough, unwieldy piece of metal but it's in the later years, instead of a metal heart you find yourself holding a metal cross with battle signs of love - you're just a little closer to loving as Jesus did. 

In this life of faith with another person, the oscillation between selfishness and grace can seem never-ending. It's an upward battle, but eventually the gospel wins. Hearts constantly surrendered to Christ are transformed and made more into His image. Marriage makes us more like Jesus. (I'm not married, but this is what I see in umma and abba). 

Reminded of this question- am I ready to love? to have my heart contoured and deepened and taken to places I've never been? This year I caught a glimpse of my heart and it is still an unpolished dainty little metal box. I have such a long way to go.

Despite the unyielding, wild nature of my heart, the craftsman's work is beautiful. I look forward to knowing You more through this person (whoever he is). 

i in you

they say we're in a relationship
but there is no me without you
inseparable, we are an existence 

you in me, me in you 
we are meshed as one.

author and perfecter of my faith,
you will see me to completion

my reward

pondering your ways is like playing a song in my mind that only you could've written.

finding your heart within that song is my reward.

my greatest poverty

like the moon losing its brilliance,
my desire for you today wanes

a longing that once came like rushing waves
stands still like yesterdays bottle of water

this vague, cloudy sense of you --
I consider my greatest poverty.

heaven on earth

your perfect craftsmanship of my soul is unveiled - 
i unravel in submission to your mastery

heaven rises in my heart -
my soul expands as a living tent of prayer

poetry of ancient intent, you and I become a love letter to barren lands -
a living message carried through heritage of imperishable seed 

barren lands shall blush and bloom;
oaks of righteousness will flourish

green trees of the deepest ends of the earth will be heard in heaven
as songs of love are sung back to you

veiled beauty

the veil between us is shattered

you enter in

you paint my cheeks with love,
clothe me with multi-colored garments of grace

you resurrect empty skies with dappled blue,

flood parched land with life-giving waters

hidden spaces, inner parts
respond and cleave to you

my heart gasps in wonder

its capacity widening to new horizons

veiled to the world (known by you alone),
beauty blooms

the veil between us is shattered
and here you dwell

i am known.