garlands of grace

veiled beauty

2011-12-23T15:47:00.001-05:00

the veil between us is shattered

you enter in

you paint my cheeks with love,
clothe me with multi-colored garments of grace

you resurrect empty skies with dappled blue,

flood parched land with life-giving waters

hidden spaces, inner parts
respond and cleave to you

my heart gasps in wonder

its capacity widening to new horizons

veiled to the world (known by you alone),
beauty blooms

the veil between us is shattered
and here you dwell

i am known.

Loyalty

2011-12-18T20:18:00.001-05:00

Cleave: to adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly

"It is one thing to love the ways of the Lord when all is fair, and quite another to cleave to them under all discouragements and difficulties. The kiss of outward profession is very cheap and easy, but the practical cleaving to the Lord, which must show itself in holy decision for truth and holiness, is not so small a matter. How stands the case with us, is our heart fixed upon Jesus, is the sacrifice bound with cords to the horns of the altar? Have we counted the cost, and are we solemnly ready to suffer all worldly loss for the Master's sake? The after gain will be an abundant recompense, for Egypt's treasures are not to be compared with the glory to be revealed. Orpah is heard of no more; in glorious ease and idolatrous pleasure her life melts into the gloom of death; but Ruth lives in history and in heaven, for grace has placed her in the noble line whence sprung the King of kings. Blessed among women shall those be who for Christ's sake can renounce all; but forgotten and worse than forgotten shall those be who in the hour of temptation do violence to conscience and turn back unto the world. O that this morning we may not be content with the form of devotion, which may be no better than Orpah's kiss, but may the Holy Spirit work in us a cleaving of our whole heart to our Lord Jesus." (Spurgeon)

44 years

2011-12-18T20:15:00.000-05:00

Hudson Taylor received a letter of encouragement from a brother named Mr. Berger while he was in China. An excerpt:

"On Him then reckon, to Him look, on Him depend: and be assured that if you walk with Him, look to Him and expect help from Him, He will never fail you. An older brother, who has known the Lord for 44 years, who writes this, says for your encouragement that He has never failed him. In the greatest difficulties, in the heaviest trials, in the deepest poverty and necessities, He has never failed me; but because I was enabled by His grace to trust in Him, he has always appeared for my help. I delight in speaking well of His name."

Love, where is your fire?

2011-12-15T12:07:00.000-05:00

Imposters have been passing, offering a good-feeling glow
but I'm holding out for what you are about - an inferno that burns to the bone.

Some urge me to be temperate, but lukewarm will never do.

::Brooke Fraser::

let love notes trail on water

2011-12-13T22:41:00.000-05:00

i (your little girl), stepped off the shore

into your boat

we set off on a journey

to destinations unknown

quiet anticipation builds

my eyes, fill with gaze and wonder

you surround me with steadfast love

and shouts of deliverance

there is no fear or wandering

for safe and sound I am

in Your presence

the waters are stilled

and all I can hear is the rising

of your love in me.

autumn

2011-12-07T23:57:00.001-05:00

"Who could've painted death with such brilliance?" - my pastor's wife on beauty & death displayed in autumn.

my anchor

2011-12-04T23:34:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was a difficult day for me.

A friend had a stillborn child and another friend is going through marriage/relationship issues. I found myself asking God a few difficult questions and was left staring into uncertainty, trying to find clarity but finding none.

After a few hours of wrestling, I came to this conclusion: There are things in life that I will never understand. Instead of choosing to "not think about it", I choose to remain close to who and what I'm certain of. The only certainty I have in this life is Jesus Christ and what's in His word. I resolved to find comfort in what I know to be true and certain: my salvation, His promises, God's word. I will remain challenged and continue to search for understanding as Habakkuk did, but as a weaned child (Psalm 131) who finds his ultimate comfort in Christ - not in the attainment of answers.

Later that evening, I realized a different kind of faith is being developed in me. It's a form of submission to God and letting go.

Bet Elliot's words comforted me: "I am afraid we tamper far too much with the mysteries of life and death, instead of leaving them to Him who holds the keys."

a king's death

2011-11-30T23:13:00.002-05:00

“A November afternoon, bare branches, dripping with wet, ground strewn with dead leaves, crush them under foot as you tread; a gloom, a shiver glad to get into the fire”. -James Street-

The brilliant yellows and burgundy reds of this autumn set me in ongoing meditation of your death. The falling of the leaves, separating from its branches, make me think of your separation from the Father. Dramatic it is, the slow slipping away of the leaves onto the ground.

Autumn is passing and coming to a close. The leaves, reaching its agonizing peak of blood red and marigold yellow, have fallen to the ground – crushed by heavy human feet that tread across the concrete pavement. I have to admit, I’m not as mindful of you when I crush the leaves. It’s in hindsight.

Set my mind on you – that I’d meditate on the suffering and agony – that I’d take part in the sorrow and become more one with you as I share with you in a history gone by, but still a fresh and brilliant aspect of you.

You aren’t the kind of majestic and awesome that my finite mind interprets you to be – I forget that you were once broken, beaten and killed.

Help me to meditate on forgiveness, grace, sanctification, beauty – the cycle of life and death and how it relates to the gospel and what you did for me on the cross.

I don’t mind that we have a few months until Spring – I need a daily and slow reminder. I’m used to thinking of your death in snapshots, perhaps a bit longer during events such as Easter, Good Friday where your death is emphasized and themed for the season.

Bring me there to that place of your death, separation and darkness – I want to know this part of you.

Lineage of grace

2011-10-28T23:04:00.003-04:00

Jim Elliot, Charles Spurgeon, Amy Carmichael, Oswald Chambers...

To think and know that the Christ who stirred their hearts is the same Christ in me is amazing - I am a continuing link in a long line of Christ followers.

My heart battles within me, easily amused and entertained by the things of this world. Even so, my humanity and weakness cannot take away my salvation. I imagined myself one day worshipping alongside the apostle Paul, Jim Elliot, Amy Carmichael, Watchman Nee.

I thought to myself, "I am part of this great family of God. These great men and women that I look up to - they are my brothers and sisters".

They too were once here on earth, wrestling with the same earthly battles, pressing into Christ to be their salvation in this temporal and mortal existence. Their human frailties and battles were wrought into the hands of Christ.

Their pursuit of God was really the pursuit of God for them; a lineage of grace continues as I see Christ pursuing my own heart and the people around me. If I am responding to Christ at all with an iota of faith, it's because Christ pursued me first. I cannot take credit for any goodness or fruit in my life. This is becoming ever so clear as I see the depths of my own frailty and sin.

My prayer today: Help me to run this race faithfully 'til I see your face. Burn away the earthly dross.

Faithful

2010-10-25T23:44:00.001-04:00

Faced a moral dilemma at work the past two weeks.

I was encouraged by two close friends to take the route of honesty and integrity rather than the easier route of cover-up and deceit.

There are times when I can't do it alone. What would I do without reminders and counsel from close, godly friends?

At the end of the day, when I choose the right road or make a decision that's better than what I naturally would've chosen, it's not me who's faithful or integrous, but Christ in me.

This situation at work hasn't died down yet. Keep me hanging on to your grace.

this is what it feels like

2010-10-18T01:23:00.004-04:00

the clouds have rolled in

possibilities of storm and disaster urge me

to haul my little boat

to shore

i haven't decided if i'll

stick this one

through

a snapshot of indecisiveness

a moment before crisis

shores of safety

seem far away

this is what it feels like

when you're not sure

when you don't know what to do

dare i say

come what may

reset

2010-10-18T01:08:00.001-04:00

don't you wish sometimes, you could start a certain stage of your life all over again?

hit the reset button, please.

love at first sight

2010-10-03T22:53:00.000-04:00

Nuit Blanche from Spy Films on Vimeo.

hello world

2010-09-26T20:15:00.002-04:00

hello blog world, it's been about a year since i've written in this blog.

i am back.

puppet strings

2009-09-05T20:17:00.000-04:00

how much of my life was spent pursuing perfection? these fingers, cold and weary, are dropping one by one the puppet strings of life.

2009-08-24T00:46:00.003-04:00

Your pain

is the breaking of the shell

that encloses your understanding.

K. Gibran

2009-08-23T20:31:00.003-04:00

I used to take long walks and talk to God. I'd say the most memorable times with God were when I was angry. Curses came flying out and I didn't give a crap about what was coming out of my mouth. My fingers were pointed at God for the insanity and darkness I was feeling. I wanted to know WHY and brought my ears closer to the Almighty so I could get an answer.

Growing up, I was surrounded by bickering, anger and violent conversations. Intriguingly, those things brought everyone close. I suppose that became my love language towards God in a strange way.

These days, I wonder what happened to our conversations. My love has grown cold. The anger has become nonchalance.

I brought one of my students to the Friday large group meeting at Times Square Church last week. I saw him receive blessings. He got prayed for by the intercessory team there because he held up his hand for prayer. He wanted to go back on Sunday. He said thank you for bringing me to the church. I said, no problem. But there was a strange coldness in my heart. I was unmoved. I lifted up a short prayer for him and trusted God would do his thing. Oh and did I say "I brought him"? No - I went to the church because I wanted to check it out for myself. He just happened to come along.

Friendship

2009-08-16T20:58:00.004-04:00

Thankful for friends that God has placed in my life.

Underneath it all

2009-08-16T01:13:00.005-04:00

One of my coworkers sneaked in a soda bottle (filled w/ coke & rum) into Citifield. "It's way too expensive to buy a drink at Citifield...", he explained. He described how he hid the bottle in his gym bag underneath a lot of crap. But even w/ his clever strategy, he got caught and couldn't enter the field.

After getting caught, he went straight to the parking lot, rearranged his bag and tucked the bottle in a bottom compartment of his gym bag. The guards were fooled and allowed him in.

How'd he do it? He showed me his bag. There was a lot of crap in there, but he pushed it to the sides to show me where he hid the bottle. He reached deeper into his bag and lifted up what turned out to be a secret cover to another bottom layer. There was a secret compartment at the very very bottom of his bag. It was the perfect spot to hide his bottle of coke and rum. He covered it with a layer of stuff and sealed it w/ the secret cover. You'd never guess there was anything beyond the "bottom" of the bag. It was so deceiving! He got into Citifield without any problems and was happily drinking his bottom of coke and rum.

The next day, the cover-up made me think about how I do the same thing, but with my life. I deliberately veil parts of my heart/life for varying reasons and most of the time, get away with it.

Instead of getting caught one day, I need to come naked before God, surrender my heart and ask him to do a thorough search. Underneath it all are issues that go beyond the issues I seek to hide. The scary thing is, the older I get and as memories fade, the bottom layers begin to run deeper and beyond my reach; I no longer have the ability to retrieve or rearrange certain things. Only God knows every inch and corner of my heart - even places that are unknown and forgotten to me. (psalm 139)

Maybe, that's why, when you get older, there are certain things you can no longer hide -- things begin to show up in your wrinkled countenance and seep out in ways you'd never imagine, your true colors come out and it gets harder to fool the people around you.

I try reminding myself to deal with the issues now. resolve them before your heart hardens. don't let the sun go down on certain things. knead the word of God into your heart through and through, over and over again. stop running and allow God to bury His hands into the bottom layers of your heart.

Lord, do the heart surgery!!!

Perfectionist

2009-08-09T22:13:00.003-04:00

Just read this on Rick Warren's twitter:

Perfectionism paraylzes potential & promotes procrastination.Eccl. 11:4 "If u wait for perfect conditions,u'll never get anything done."

It's so true! I can relate to this because I am a perfectionist. What Rick said is the story of my life. Sigh. How can I change? Lord help me.

- An ailing perfectionist

Spring

2009-07-05T19:29:00.002-04:00

This past year, I found myself in a dark cave without an entrance or exit. I didn't know how I wound up there and couldn't find a way out. In that place, every strand of faith and belief I had in Christ was thoroughly challenged and tested. Past experiences, past victories became quick-sand in which I could not stand. Areas in which I never thought I'd compromise, I did. Thoughts I never knew would pass through my mind came and multiplied.

Light is beginning to shine. Small rays of hope are dawning on me. The dead of winter is slowly passing and Spring is making its transition into my heart.

2009-06-13T11:36:00.003-04:00

Something happenned to me this year. I went through a major crisis in almost every part of my life. My family life was the only steady part. Every other area was shaken up and brought me to a place of confusion.

Two different worlds

2009-05-22T00:47:00.006-04:00

May 21st, 7PM

Me: "Sighhh.. what a long day"
Student: "Psshhh... whatever miss. You get in at 12PM"

Me: "No, not today. I came in earlier this morning!! I was here since 9:30AM"
Student: "Well, I woke up at 5:30AM. Been at work since 7 in the morning. You've been sitting at a computer all day!"

Me: "Okay, well I had to do a lot of thinkin' and brainwork today"
Student: "Well, I had to carry lots of heavy boxes and heavy liftin'. I'm tired as heck man."

Me: ....
Student: Looks at me like I didn't understand what he went through.

Two different worlds. Two different types of difficulty and work. I feel ya kid.

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T19:25:00.006-04:00

Mother's Day began with mom and dad quarreling. I was lying in bed when I heard them arguing. Although I couldn't hear their exact words, I felt the influxes of anger and heat in the intonation of their voices. It ended with a slamming of the door as my dad left the house and walked to his car. The engine started and soon after, he drove away. They were supposed to go to church together, but mom decided not to go. Grandma remained in her usual spot on the couch, eyes glazed in silence. My brother's bedroom door was shut, almost acting as a shield for him. I did what I always do: begin praying, ask my grandmother what had transpired, try to make sense of what's happening and plan for the worst.

Yesterday, mom requested that I buy her a plant instead of the usual bouquet of flowers my bro and I give her. I picked out a plant that had flower buds, but no flowers.

Mom and Dad are just like flower buds that are waiting to bloom. They need love. There are not many flowers on display right now.

I know that with God's love and His timing, they will bloom and put the unbelievers to shame.

untitled

2009-03-31T21:46:00.003-04:00

Discovered an ipod car connector in my car (formerly my aunts car) the other day. I can now listen to my own music! It's a pretty solid one too; there are barely any poor reception static noises.

Took a day off to do some reflecting and seeking. I found myself driving up the block I grew up on. It took me through memory lane; it also reminded me of how much time has passed. Heavy thoughts, mixed emotions, ancient memories came seeping out. I thought I'd experience a rush of nostalgia, but it was a mere tap on the heart.

Visited the lake by my old house.Witnessed: shining sun, family of geese swimming in the lake, children laughing and tossing bread crumbs to them, father and daughter on the bench gazing at the lake, mother and son walking along, and myself sitting on a rock reading from Psalms.

Went to Starbucks afterwards. Read through Blackaby's Spiritual Leadership. First thing I read was about leaders having experienced dysfunctional family histories. It was ironic bc I had just come from my old home and was reminded of a lot of issues I still need to deal with. Time and time again, I'm always led back to the cross and my own relationship with the Lord.

I feel the Lord walking me through a season of growth. Help me to learn my lessons well, Lord!

twenty-four going on twenty-five

2009-02-04T03:55:00.013-05:00

I was looking at my old xanga entries and came across this entry I wrote when I was 25. This is a little bit of what being 25 looked like for me.

being 25
t - treasuring each passing moment (with students, rwc, family, etc)
w - weighing out different options (future, career, husband, etc)
e - entreating God's heart
n - needing to make baby-step decisions
t - testing of character and faith
y - yielding to God's timetable

f - fighting passivity
i - indecisions about everything (future, career, husband, etc)
v - vying for His glory as much as I can
e - ending "me" so there can be more Him (i'm trying)

I backtracked my entries and found this entry I wrote when I was 24. I think this is when I was fresh out of Ann Arbor. You can tell I was pretty bright-eyed at the time.

being 24
t - teetering, tottering
w - waiting, wondering
e - expectations growing (at times diminishing)
n - new beginnings unfolding
t - trusting in God's timing
y - yearning for clarity

f - feet getting wet
o - opening new doors
u - unfamiliar paths, unexplored grounds
r - remembering that God knows the way.

Somewhere in my transition to young adulthood in NYC, things changed.

The simple-minded heart I once had as a 24 year old transformed into a calculating heart. Uncertainties have become questions that incite anxiety and bring about an increasing need to control my own future.

Being a young adult in the city is hard, but I feel God calling me to remember the safety and simplicity of dwelling in His presence. I feel a rebuke coming on. Since when did I have bear a right to my life? What and by whom is my life dictated by?

Lord, teach me to live for you alone.

"...He said to them, “Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.” They immediately left their nets and followed Him."

Documentary

2009-02-03T01:20:00.002-05:00

I ask myself from time to time, why I don't document my own life. Will I regret it one day? Reminds me of my mother.. she once owned a party shop filled with party paraphernalia, but never threw me a party. I look at my parents and my grandmother. They are getting older each day. Will I remember the fine details of their laughter, their hands, their voice years from now?

Great customer service

2009-01-12T21:35:00.003-05:00

I was at Macy's today looking for watches. The lady assisting me did not ask a whole bunch of questions to figure out my taste or style. Rather, she gave me simple feedback, asked other customers to wait and gave me ample time to decide. I appreciated her attention towards me. I spent a good amount of time looking at two different watches. She could tell I wasn't completely comfortable with either one. "If you're gonna be spending 100 dollars, you should really like it," she said. "I'm like that too - I don't purchase an item that I'm not fully comfortable with. If I'm gonna invest a lot of money, I need to really enjoy it - especially if I'm gonna be wearing it everyday...you should wait until other watches come out. Valentine's Day is coming up you know, so a lot of watches will be coming out".

Her customer service was solid. She guided me in a way that made me pause and think before I made a 100 dollar investment. She wasn't there to sell me the product - she was there to make sure I was sold out for it. There was a personal touch and a genuine desire to see that I was a customer that was happy with my decision.

I'm a firm believer in good customer service. No one knows this about me, but I'm always making mental notes of employee behavior and customer service delivery at malls and at stores. Should you believe in the product more than you believe in the customer? I think quality customer service is exactly the words that make it up - serving the customer. It comes down to true service. It's a holy principle that has power to transform in businesses, malls and stores.

UMich video.

2009-01-08T11:47:00.003-05:00

UMich made a video that has a brief clip of me from freshman year. I can't believe that was 10 years ago. First thought: I was so skinny back then. Second thought: They used me as an asian person. Anyhow, it's weird seeing myself in a video. Check it out here:

http://ummedia10.rs.itd.umich.edu/flash/mmd/mmd.html?dep=mmd&file=MSC_winter09.flv

I can't believe Prof. Williams is leaving! He was an awesome teacher.

It's 3:03AM

2009-01-08T03:03:00.000-05:00

Lord, teach me to rest.

crippled creativity

2009-01-08T02:42:00.004-05:00

Reader: you have no idea, but it took me ten minutes to write this first sentence. Type one word, delete... type a whole sentence, delete... repeat. What is this anxiety that builds up when I'm about to create something? The verbalization of a thought, the creation of something frightens me for some odd reason. Perhaps it's the fear of creating something less than perfect. A fear that my creation might be a quiet reflection of my own imperfections. Fear of failure. I've spent many nights spent revising,fine tuning video projects. But rarely satisfied.

In my professional life, I face another blank slate. As director, I have freedom to put policies into place and design a program. You are the director, says my boss. Fear of failure. I have so many ideas, so many thoughts, so many dreams... but my insecurites are squelching my passion. This gnawing fear kept me staring into blank pages, blank video project timelines.

Once I created, I'd start hacking away at my creation with revisions after revisions after revisions. Never satisfied. Fear of failure. Insecure.

I like this video

2008-12-27T23:29:00.005-05:00

Broadcast 2000 "get up and go" Full from Jordan Clarke on Vimeo.

28

2008-12-22T02:02:00.005-05:00

Keith Green was only 28 years old when he died.
Jim Elliot was only 28 years old when he died.
Both of them did great things for Jesus.
Both of their wives went great lengths to continue living the legacy of sharing Christ's love.
Both were wholly committed to Jesus Christ.

If we asked them about all the great missionary works they did, I imagine they'd boast about their love for Jesus. I don't' think they'd boast about the missions work they did. Their radical commitment, the fruits of their labor... were all an outflow of a single heart-wrenching devotion to Jesus Christ. As Piper says, it's about "white-hot" worship. Not about missions. Missions exists because worship doesn't.

I turn 28 in about 6 months. Let me follow in the footsteps of Love.

Piano

2008-11-29T19:15:00.005-05:00

Half of my childhood was spent practicing the piano. "Imagine you're in a meadow", said my teacher. It was for a part in the song that was meant to be idyllic and soft; a moment that would replicate an imaginary wandering through a meadow. The song would descend and move toward angrier notes. "Imagine you're angry.. at something.. at someone...", he'd say. The notes crescendoed and waited in anticipation for the emotions to surge through. What was I angry about? Anger conjured up as I thought of last night when dad fought with mom. I marked off on my calendar each day they fought. Last night was the 20th time this month. "Okay, descend.. descend...let the notes fall in gentle willowy whispers". The anger transformed into a strong, gentle longing for peace.

"Stop playing! It's awful!", my brother would cry. I'd yell back, "5 more minutes!!!". The imaginary meadow, angry memories and quiet longings for peace slowly began drawing back into the recesses of my mind.

amen.

2008-11-11T10:20:00.003-05:00

“Beware of your ceaseless striving after a righteousness so great that you no longer appear as a sinner in your own eyes and do not want to be a sinner. For Christ dwells only in sinners.” Martin Luther

after all our hands have wrought, He forgives.

2008-11-11T01:41:00.003-05:00

sin is intensifying around me and over me. in the midst of this battle, i hear Christ saying, he's won.. he's won..he's won. there is no longer anything impossible for him.

he's redeemed me from the miry clay. from the affairs. from foolish threats of divorce. from petty friendships with the world. cheap tastes of freedom.

he still beckons me to come. his plans are better. he plans to have me as his own.

God, i pray that I'd be yours alone.

failure

2008-08-20T01:25:00.002-04:00

that heavy blanket of shame
pressed against my body
put me to sleep

the onion

2008-08-06T22:08:00.006-04:00

sin - that monster that morphs and
transforms into multitudes of sin
is growing layers over fresh wounds

creativity

2008-08-05T23:10:00.003-04:00

where has my life gone? i wonder that i haven't invested more time in living, creating and imagining.

Jesus

2008-03-21T15:49:00.002-04:00

It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dyin breath of
This love we've been workin on

2008-01-10T22:16:00.000-05:00

http://www.kimopress.com/biograph.htm
http://www.qhpress.org/quakerpages/qwhp/soma.htm

OIL

2008-01-06T00:31:00.001-05:00

OIL was such a blessing.
I felt encouraged, affirmed and refreshed.
many lessons from the past were reaffirmed.
One thing I felt called to repent over was the way I treated family.
All my life I thought I was a good sister, but I wasn't. I don't know how to be committed, loyal, consistent or loving. I suck at it.
The song "pleasing to you" really spoke to me.
This is the year of "white" and it's a year that I want to set apart for Christ -- to be holy, pure, setapart and in Christ. The song "pleasing to you" speaks to all these things.

I feel broken and contrite over how I treated family. I felt God really calling me to repent over these relationships. As I'm thinking about this, I can think back to relationships from church that i have neglected, taken for granted and left -- because I didn't want to get hurt, because I was afraid...etc.

(to be continued)

Hello 2008

2008-01-03T00:14:00.001-05:00

Hello 2008.
wonderful even numbered year.
-the Word is as honey on my lips. It can be chewed and savored a million times over. You can listen to the same sermon over and over again and still not know enough. God is infinite...I can never know him enough
-I am your chosen one. You are disciplining me.. I want to submit to you and know you as my master.
-Transformation cannot be calculated. Things just happen. I cannot predict anymore.
-All my efforts are in vain. My perfectionism vs. God's perfectionism.
-Are alll my words seasoned with salt? A product of the thoroughness of Christ in my heart? I am learning to be led in the Spirit.
-If you are led by the Spirit, you are led into battle against sin.
-I am responsible for chewing and partaking the Word
-I must remain in you.
-I'm learning to filter through what I've learned and seen about church/God. I am relearning everything, being born again in my thoughts.
-Old skin vs. new skin. God wants me to have a new heart.
-It's not about learning many new lessons, but about learning 1 lesson really well. I'm so used to gathering new thoughts and lessons each week that I forget to savor Christ. I can get so caught up in gathering information.
-I've been humbled. I can no longer assume things about people.
-I'm learning to see people positively. I realized I have such a bitter perception of people. I do not know how to love people.
-Without love, I am a clanging cymbal
-Learning to not be condescending in my speech. As Christ is in my life, He is transforming my speech and my heart.
-Grandma? My perception of her is changing. I've grown bitter, but it is a good kind of bitterness. I must feel it before moving forward.
-Christ is alive in my life. Even yet while I was a sinner, Jesus died for me.

truth.

2007-12-19T00:26:00.000-05:00

my new hero: soong-chan rah

i feel like he's spoken for a lot of what i've been mulling through in my mind about the church, asian-american churches, westernization...etc.

praise God.

2007-11-27T13:41:00.003-05:00

my thoughts are everywhere.

read "the marks of a spiritual leader" by john piper. i feel that i'm growing, but i feel i can commit myself to the spiritual disciplines better.

i am letting go of my analysis of the future. it seems to make little sense especially when there is a great God in my life. i can do everything possible to figure things out. in hindsight, i have never been able to figure things out on my own. i'm content with whatever God gives. His plans always end up being a lot better than I could ever have imagined.

i can't believe 2007 is coming to a draw. did i grow as an artist? did i grow in my love for Jesus? was this the year of "red"? when i saw red paint being washed over the walls of the church, was that also a picture of my own heart? Christ's very blood the answer to each fall, each dark moment?

yesterday was 3 year anniversary "marriage". i forgot to celebrate it.

inner sanctuary

2007-10-02T15:56:00.000-04:00

a small room lit by a hanging lightbulb.
two chairs - one table.
you sat across from me.
the shadows filled the edges of the room.

inner sanctuary.

secret dwelling place.

a fence is being rebuilt.

heavy

2007-08-22T00:04:00.000-04:00

heavy raindrops are falling
muddy footsteps tread through this heart
can't pinpoint emotions
swirling around
emptiness
loss
confusion
tin cups of ice
red scarlet scarves draped over my shoulder
lips scarlet red
eyes hidden behind mascara
my heart is being towed away
my freedom is gone.

2007-04-12T00:46:00.000-04:00

my heart is running late.

2006-12-20T01:14:00.002-05:00

more and more, i don't think i can go back to doing 100% church related ministry. i've been placed at this job to see the enormous mission field of the innercity high school. i cannot imagine not interacting with non-christians ever again. it wouldn't feel right. it just would not feel right. i could not go back to living the life i lived in college where life was 24/7 smallgroup, accountability and church. i don't have a vision though. i have this heart, but i am not seeing a bigger picture. i cannot see it right now. like, i cannot submit to the dream of counseling students alone or working in a public school. i want to hold onto a bigger dream of sharing the gospel message somehow and sharing the word.

i see all the pieces of the puzzle. it's a mystery. there's the piece of counseling. the piece of americorp. the piece of friendships built... etc... pieces of my past experiences. how do all these pieces fit together? i want to see how these pieces fit together to build the bigger picture. i know it'll bea while for this puzzle to be completed, but i feel that i have a few pieces that are meant to help me along to the next stage. this IS my last year of americorp, so it's normal that i'm looking for the next puzzle piece. i'm beginning to panic a little.

untitled

2006-12-20T00:51:00.001-05:00

life is a ball that rolls up and down streets collecting junk. it is a lint roller. i am rolling and rolling. roll me back Lord to you. if i could, i would curl myself into a corner and shut myself in utter darkness. in the pitch black, i would bare my soul to you Jesus and ask you to take all of me. in that secret place, i would ask you to do the surgery and i would let your hands soak into my heart.

i prayed for my husband today. my prayer was that he would love you more and that he would not be hardened by the world. but rather, that grace, love, beauty and truth would continually be worked into his heart... and that he would become as a child. i prayed that all his questions about the future would be quieted with your guiding spirit. jesus, wherever he is, whatever he is doing and whoever he might be... grow him, take all of him now and forever may his heart be captured by you. that certain promises and truths would be solidified in his heart. that whatever doubts and uncertainties he may have concerning life, his past and You would slowly transform into revelation, truth and rest in You. i have yet to meet him and when i do, be the center.

swirling in my mind:
school counseling. at-risk students. case-loads. guidance. college counseling. future. low-income students. immigrants. opportunities. missed opportunities.

where to in 2007 Lord?

all I want for christmas is You.

2006-05-02T01:37:00.000-04:00

everytime there is a video project, my tendency is to drop people and responsibilities and devote 100% to that project. in my mind, every ounce matters. tonight, i thought differently. as i walked back home at the late hour of 1AM, i felt my footsteps get heavy and thought of my grandmother who i didn't see all day. i thought about how i didn't really tell her i wasn't come home early and imagined her waiting for me. was i just like that business man who'd pick up and leave for weeks? was i like that pastor who devoted more time to others than his own family? i thought ab out people who passed away in the midst of their busy lives. they didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to their loved ones. they thought they'd get a chance to do it after their important duties were accomplished. what is so important to me? where are my priorities? if i stay on this path any longer, i will become a more self-absorbed self centered egotistical person. i don't want that anymore. i don't want to waste my life.