love letter to a fellow sinner

It's easy to love someone when things are going smoothly, but what about when things get hard? A few months ago, I wrote a letter to my future husband. Reading it over again, I saw that half the letter was applicable to any fellow Christian. 

After having an argument with my mom, it was powerful to read the letter in relation to her. I won't share the entire letter, but here are a few tidbits that I found applicable to anyone. 

I embrace you as a being built for wholeness and completeness in Christ alone. It is my joy to be a link and conduit in your life towards this prize.

I commit to loving you with my speech and choosing daily to serve you in nurturing conversation.

I commit to contending with you in the faith. I commit to being a learner and follower. I also commit to being as iron that sharpens iron and contributing to your growth as a better person.

I am not perfect and never will be, but what I can offer at the very least is my brokenness as a person and commitment to obey Christ in our relationship. In rain or shine, I shall love and honor you as a daily choice and act of submission to Christ. 

Be a witness to my growth in Christ and I shall be witness of yours. 

Realizing these days - to truly love someone is probably the hardest thing I will ever learn in this lifetime. But one day, I will see Jesus face to face and that gives me hope. 

love letter to a friend

For days, I felt compelled to write a "love letter to the poor". The outcome of the letter is completely different than what I imagined. It became a letter to a student I met a few years ago. Our times outside of the program were the most significant times. Meals were sacred moments. God reminded me that this is good ministry - it's within those sacred moments where our differences fade and commonalities are shared. It's easy to get bunched up about "helping the poor" with superficial, religious notions.  I can't say that I'm completely past those notions, but reminded today that investment in a person is for a lifetime and God is calling me to "feed" His sheep. I intend on striving towards that goal. What started out as a "love letter to the poor" has become a letter to a friend - for as God's love turns an enemy into a brother, it turns "the poor" into a friend. 


We laughed at the same things and enjoyed meals together. We shared the same stories about our moms with their loving but overbearing personalities. 

You revealed to me your secrets and I, a few of mine. We became like best friends during the countless car rides and conversations at Pollo Loco. Chicken baked ziti with lots of cheese and a can of coke were among your favorite meals. You introduced me to the icy pina colada in your hood. 

I'd drop you off at your rinky-dink apartment in Brooklyn and I'd head east towards the L.I.E. where the roads got smoother and wider.

It's normally around 11pm when I arrive home. The porch lights are usually on as I drive into my long driveway. This is perhaps the only time that I remember our stark differences in wealth. 

If only you knew I lived in a home such as this one. Guilt hits almost every time. Would you look at me differently? Would you categorize me with the rich and stop being yourself with me?

Lights off within 30 minutes, I'd say a prayer for you as I lay in bed before falling asleep. 

You tried committing suicide and sent me a text message about it. You're alive today but not many people know your story. I do.

We spent so much time trying to find you a job. Countless hours were spent studying for the GED. Those goals were never met. But still, you said I had helped you so much somehow. You said if you ever became rich one day, you'd buy me a house. 

One day, we will both grow old and there will be no more distinction between you and I. When people ask how we met, we'll just say we go way back - and with a knowing glance - we'll know it's past your days as a single mother living without welfare, suffering through domestic violence and wondering if things would ever change. All of these things will become a thing of the past. 

Until those things come to pass, we will remain friends.

I will see you to the end.  

a worthy frame of mind

Everything that is for the sake of God should be of the best and most beautiful. When one builds a house of prayer, it should be more beautiful than his own dwelling. When one feeds the hungry, he should feed him of the best and sweetest of his table. When one clothes the naked, he should clothe him with the finest of his clothes. Whenever one designates something for a holy purpose, he should sanctify the finest of his possessions, as it is written (Leviticus 3:16), "All the fat is to God."
- Maimonides

Benjamin Button

Life moves in a direction of perpetual loss; burning away dross, dying to the world and growing incrementally old into a weaned child. 

My heart is not proud, O LORD, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me. Psalm 131:1-2

Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Matt 18:3

the kingdom of heaven is here

babe, you actin' like the resurrection didn't happen.

chin up, my love!  these are new covenant times.

the gospel always wins

Umma and abba are constantly fighting but striving to love, forgive and reconcile as Jesus commands. 

Is this what marriage ultimately teaches - gospel love? Learning to forgive and love a best friend who often plays the dual role of enemy? After all, the person you love most has the ability to hurt you the most. It's within this context that hearts are put through what feels like a furnace.

Perhaps we are all given chunky metal box shaped hearts when we begin. Marriage puts that metal through a furnace and slowly shapes it. The fire reveals what hearts and professed "love" are really made of. When things get bad and the fire pummels the metal heart, its true nature is revealed - often, a rigid and unyielding nature. 

Through the ups and downs of marriage, somehow, Christ is at work and chipping at this metal heart. You start with this rough, unwieldy piece of metal but it's in the later years, instead of a metal heart you find yourself holding a metal cross with battle signs of love - you're just a little closer to loving as Jesus did. 

In this life of faith with another person, the oscillation between selfishness and grace can seem never-ending. It's an upward battle, but eventually the gospel wins. Hearts constantly surrendered to Christ are transformed and made more into His image. Marriage makes us more like Jesus. (I'm not married, but this is what I see in umma and abba). 

Reminded of this question- am I ready to love? to have my heart contoured and deepened and taken to places I've never been? This year I caught a glimpse of my heart and it is still an unpolished dainty little metal box. I have such a long way to go.

Despite the unyielding, wild nature of my heart, the craftsman's work is beautiful. I look forward to knowing You more through this person (whoever he is). 

i in you

they say we're in a relationship
but there is no me without you
inseparable, we are an existence 

you in me, me in you 
we are meshed as one.

author and perfecter of my faith,
you will see me to completion

my reward

pondering your ways is like playing a song in my mind that only you could've written.

finding your heart within that song is my reward.

my greatest poverty

like the moon losing its brilliance,
my desire for you today wanes

a longing that once came like rushing waves
stands still like yesterdays bottle of water

this vague, cloudy sense of you --
I consider my greatest poverty.

heaven on earth

your perfect craftsmanship of my soul is unveiled - 
i unravel in submission to your mastery

heaven rises in my heart -
my soul expands as a living tent of prayer

poetry of ancient intent, you and I become a love letter to barren lands -
a living message carried through heritage of imperishable seed 

barren lands shall blush and bloom;
oaks of righteousness will flourish

green trees of the deepest ends of the earth will be heard in heaven
as songs of love are sung back to you